The Forgettable Adventures of Richard Valjordan
by LesMisLoony
Summary: 1978 brings us Frouffy Valjean, Slashy Javert, Gollum Fantine, blonde Cosette, GEICO caveman Marius, dear God, will it ever stop?
1. Marvin Gaye

Before we get started, let me just say that I think an alternate title for the first part of this film could have been "Valjean and Javert: A Love That Could Never Be."

But carry on.

We open with a raggedy little brat wandering the rainy streets, looking generally miserable. Okay, check! Miserable: that's the title. Also? It's not Cosette; don't get all confused. Because she is not, in fact, Cosette, I shall henceforth call her Raggedy Brat. So, Raggedy Brat goes up to people and begs them for money while a mildly hilarious voice-over recites the Hauteville House quote for us.

Faverolles, France, 1796, says the title. Faverolles, you say? Valjean Family, say I!

Raggedy Brat goes into a garret and tells a woman that she got nothing while a young man with feathered hair, who I shall call Sir FlouncyPants, looks on. Don't be fooled by the nickname, though, for Sir FlouncyPants is probably poor-ish—after all, he's living in a garret with a woman and a bunch of kids, and they're sending Raggedy Brat out to do their begging work.

Anyway, Sir FlouncyPants takes to the streets and the music crescendos all dramatically as a (lying) title reads "Victor Hugo's Les Miserables!" And yes, that's Miserables, not Misérables. FlouncyPants's sister—I mean… the woman who was living with him and all the children and may or may not be his sister or his wife—calls after him, but Sir FlouncyPants is hell-bent on, uh… whatever. Running in the rain from his pathetic excuse for a family, I guess.

A bakery. Sir FlouncyPants grabs a rock, smashes the window, and makes off with a loaf of bread the size of a small minivan. I kid you not. The baker man comes running out screaming THIEF! STOP! And cue a really awkward chase scene under the title credits. What about this chase scene is awkward, you may ask? Well, for starters, the baker is wearing a thin white sheet thingy… in the rain. And running. And male. And Sir FlouncyPants's namesakes are so tight that they're beginning to rip… along the rear.

Three minutes into the film and I'm already twitching.

Whatever. The chase scene continues until Sir FlouncyPants somehow ends up on a roof, tries to jump to another roof, and fails epically. Silly FlouncyPants, this is why we don't jump off clay roofs in the rain. Unless we're in the matrix. Then it's different.

A courtroom. FlouncyPants reveals that his name is Jean Valjean, in case you thought it was Aladdin, and the judge says that his occupation is "thief." Really? Cos he sure sucked at thieving. Somehow I disagree with this statement, but we won't dwell. But yeah, FlouncyPants disagrees too and explains that he's a _woodcutter_, but there's no wood, and YOU CAN'T LET BABIES STARVE! …Or maybe I only wish he'd said that. He then starts rambling about being a woodcutter, and his sister's child was close to death, and we were starving! Sister stands nearby, randomly yelling "Jean!" every few minutes so you remember she's there. Then they sentence him to five years in prison. Don't get used to morsels like that, though; we've got a long movie just full of inaccuracies ahead!

So they drag FlouncyPants away while he mumbles under his breath and convinces nobody that he's upset. Then they put him in line to have a collar hammered around his neck, and o woe the life of an unfairly imprisoned woodcutter! All the prisoners get carted away on an actual cart. The titles inform us that the screenplay was written by John Gay, which makes the immature five-year-old in me snigger.

Toulon. People are jerking around and screaming while they get branded on the upper arm, which mildly hilarious. Sir FlouncyPants is next, and they pull a big shiny brand thingy out of the fire and stamp him "24601."

Loony's actual initial reaction (yes, said aloud): "I want one!"

(facepalm)

While they're stamping him, FlouncyPants does this weirdo groan-y grunt that is extremely… weird. We'll leave it at that. Weird.

Prison. Sad, oppressed prisoners are pushing a giant turn-y thing when a pair of Ominous Shiny Boots enters. We don't see the owner of the Boots, but I think we all have a pretty good idea who it is. Also, because he is no longer flouncy, I'm going to have to call Valjean by his name, which stinks. Anyway, the dude pushing the turn-y thing next to Valjean collapses, because he is extremely wussy, and Valjean looks up toward the owner of the Boots. The owner of the Boots, who is obviously Javert, looks down, looks down upon Valjean. Valjean looks up at Javert. Javert looks down at Valjean. Loony starts to hear the strains of Marvin Gaye crank up in the back of her mind.

_Whom whomp whom whaa! I've been really tryin' baby… Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long. So if you feel… like I feel, baby…_

Javert, still keeping his eyes fixed on the red-haired sexy beast below, murmurs, "Who is that prisoner?"

Some off-screen somebody reports that it's 24601, but Javert doesn't think 24601 would respond to his romantic advances without a real name, so he asks for that too.

So much gazing.

Valjean keeps pushing the turn-y thing and continues to gaze at Javert, who continues to gaze at Valjean, until FINALLY Javert breaks the tension by leaving. Good Lord.

Barracks? Prisoners are sleeping and grunting at the same time, which is weird. Some guy who later turns out to be Clochepaille says this, and I'm not lying: "How beautiful is the moon tonight!" and then proceeds to hit on Valjean, who is STILL TALKING ABOUT BEING A WOODCUTTER. Even though much time has clearly passed, for Valjean has grown a mustache that would make Daniel Day-Lewis jealous. Can't you just see the other prisoners being like, "Oh God, don't talk to Jean! Yeah, he's on one of his woodcutter tangents again. Geez, it's been five years; you'd think he'd get over that crap! It's not even a great job, either. I mean, if _I_ lived in Faverolles I'd have been an apple-pruner, but that's just me, I guess. Oh God, here he is! Quick, nobody mention W-O-O-D!"

This is a true story.

Outside, The Next Day. Prisoners are mining beneath a giant hanging rock, which is certainly going to fall on— yep, there it goes. Amazing effect:

Rock falling.

Close-up of Guy waving his arms and screaming.

Rock falling.

Wide shot of Guy lying under stationary rock while the falling rock sound-effects continue for a few seconds.

Anyway, Valjean THE WOODCUTTER scrambles under and saves the poor slob while Javert looks on with an expression I choose to classify as "arousal."

_Whom whomp whom whaa!_

Ahem.

Javert approaches Valjean and stares at him. Valjean stares at Javert. Javert heaves a great sigh and walks away.

Barracks. It's night, and one of the prisoners is snoring the way a little kid would if he were pretending to be asleep. And mentally retarded. Valjean the Woodcutter is looking around all sketchily, and he crawls out of bed, wanders out the… open… door… of the barracks, and climbs out a window. Good grief, where is Javert? You'd think he'd be spying on Valjean all night! Whatever. Valjean runs across the roof, is shot at by some guards, and utterly fails at escaping.

A Room With A Desk. Javert adds five years to Valjean's sentence. You totally know it was supposed to be less, but Javert never wanted Valjean to leave him. Javert asks Valjean if he has anything to say, and Valjean tells him HE WAS A WOODCUTTER! So Javert gives him three months of solitary confinement for insolence.

The Hole of Solitary Confinement. Rats snoop around Valjean's feet as he sulks and O woe the difficult life of an imprisoned man hopelessly in love with his guard!

The Room with the Turn-y Thing Again. Javert comes in and sees a decrepit-looking old man turning the turn-y thing, and asks who it is. Javert's sidekick explains that it's Valjean, and Javert can't believe his love-puppy looks so hairy. Well, I guess that's what happens when you lock a woodcutter in The Hole. Javert gazes.

_I've been really tryin' baby… Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long!_

Outside the Prison. Jean is mid-escape, running in a very flouncy way through a field and failing again. He gets cornered and decides not to jump off a cliff into a distant sea, so he gets recaptured. And beaten with sticks. Boohoo.

Room With Desk. Javert gives him ten more years, asks him if he has anything to say, and Valjean pledges to kill him. Javert looks rather put-out, and sends him to the Hole for disrespect.

…I just have to ask… What hole?

Javert?

_And if you feel… Like I feel, baby…_

The prisoners drag Valjean away while Javert tries not to cry.

The Hole. But not an anatomical one. Valjean jumps around and yells "RAWR!" He does, really.

Barracks, 1815. That same prisoner is still snoring like a little boy playing a game, and Javert is strolling around with a pouty face.

Some unintelligent-looking guy asks how long Clochepaille has been there, and learns that he and Valjean have been there for nineteen years. Clochepaille then tries to hit on Valjean again, asking if he thinks he'll ever be free. I guess he gave up spouting bad poetry about the moon years ago. Valjean declares that he'll be a thief when he grows up.

A Place I Have Trouble Explaining… Like… The Terrace of Toulon? Overlooking the Water? Ish? The prisoners are doing repair work on the wall, and some guy is dangling above the water like one of those window-washers in big cities. Despite the fact that they are nowhere near that quarry from before, rocks fall on him, and he ends up hanging from a little rope above the distant sea, blubbering. Valjean asks a nearby Not So Bright Guard to break his chains and let him try to save the guy and, much to the unhappiness of some of the other beard-y convicts (who think he's going to die), Jean climbs down the rope and saves the guy.

Javert shows up to look on with an extremely nervous expression on his face. You just know he's having to work not to yell, "Be careful, Jean-ikins!"

And then… Jean-ikins falls into the water just like you would if you were saving a sailor on the good ship Orion. Javert looks like he's about to go all Charles Laughton and burst into tears. Lulz. A bunch of guards go down to the beach-y thing to look for Valjean, and tell Javert they can't find the body. Javert turns away and wrestles with his emotions for a very long time. Valjean was a special prisoner, you see, for no one else in all the prison had the same little defiant sparkle in his eye, or the same curl to his mustache! Without him, Toulon just won't be the same to Javert. There will always be a void, an emptiness, a longing…

A Field. A very dry Valjean is running. He's so flouncy and pouncy!

A Barn. Valjean hijacks a chisel thingy and gets his chains off. Some guy comes in, threatens to shoot him, and they wrassle. Valjean pwns and runs.

A Shed. Valjean comes in, wearing somebody's stolen awesome clothes, and starts going through drawers. Some guy comes in, threatens to stab him, and they wrassle. Valjean pwns and runs.

A Street. Valjean runs by and gets tripped and mugged by three guys. He does not pwn, and he sort of staggers away instead of running.

A Digne. Valjean strolls into the bishop's house, but Madame Magloire actually tries to slam the door on him and push him out until Ze Frensssh Beesshop appears and says to let him in. Hahaha the bishop sounds like Lumière! And André the Giant! Got married! And had an old, old baby!

Ze Beesshop feeds Valjean and preaches at him while Valjean eats some food that looks suspiciously like a ginormous steak. I don't exactly know how ze beesshop could afford a giant steak on a yearly salary of 1,000 livres... eh. Ze Beesshop demands Madame Magloire wave the silver plates around. Valjean raises an eyebrow, and Ze Beesshop suddenly looks rather chagrined. Huh?

Night. Valjean gets up, gazes at the sleeping bishop, and goes over to the silver cabinet. ZE BEESSHOP WAKES UP, WATCHES HIM, AND ROLLS HIS EYES. Valjean leaves and Ze Beesshop starts to pray. Good Lord, I've never wanted Liam Neeson to come running in and punch an old man more than I do right now.

Morning. Madame Magloire freaks her stuff out when she finds that the silver is gone, but Ze Beesshop says that the silver belonged to the poor anyway. There's a knock on the door, which Magloire is sure means Valjean has come back to kill them, but it's the gendarmes and their newest prisoner, of course. Ze Beesshop tells him "You 'av forgotten ze cand-el-steeks! Ah 'av bought your soul-ah for Godt!" Valjean blubbers.

'Ere eends ze first phase een ze lah-eef of Jean Valjean. Tune in next time for WTF sur WTF, Gollum!Fantine, and a lot more Valjean/Javert gazing.

_Whomp whom whomp whaa!_


	2. John Gay

Welcome to part two! To begin your tour of brain-exploding allow me to direct your attention to the title which says "Monteis sur Monteis, Five Years Later."  
I think this deserves a few WTF's. Like... I know Hugo originally called it "M sur M," but I also know it's just not that hard to figure out that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MONTEIS SUR MONTEIS. Google it. All you'll get is references to this movie. Moreover, I know that the book was published with the "M--" and "D--" shit filled in before the 1970's, so they literally have no excuse for this.

John Gay. I'm looking at you. And that look? Is an Enjolraic Death Glare.

But let's move on.

A Carnival in the Jolly Old Town of Monteis sur Monteis. The new police inspector is being shown around the town, and some guy tells him that it's Fair Day, when all the brigands and pickpockets run free in the streets! Javert says that the law doesn't allow for Special Days, which I think is rather amusing. Oh, Shnookums, is a certain mayor gonna have to throw you a birfday party?

A bear dances, a guy blows fire, and a lady in purple goes begging. Hey, keep an eye on her! Javert's sidekick points man with an impressive mustache sits on a little platform, overlooking the festivities with a hilariously in-charge facial expression, and identifies him as "the mayor." The camera zooms in all dramatically on the face of said mayor—why, I do believe it's Jean Valjean, that guy from the prisons! Javert's gonna be so excited!

The Mayoral Office of Importance and Tight White Pants. Very Tight. Very White. Pants. The mayor is wearing tight—very tight—white—very white—pants, and he seems a bit flustered to recognise his old friend from Toulon. Also? Wow, he's the crappiest bluffer ever. I think he's, like, shedding a tear or something. Javert asks him when he'll be free to "inspect his men," whatever that's supposed to mean, and Valjean tries to tell him he can't tomorrow, he'll be washing his hair (which is so bushy that I wouldn't be surprised if that were true), but Javert is really pester-y and annoys him into promising to come.

The Road. Javert asks some guy about the mayor, who has lived there five years and only lives with his housekeeper Sister Simplice who never tells a lie, and he found a cool new way to make beads yay. Apparently the way he makes beads has something to do with Toulon, or whatever. Whatever, Javert, I don't care too much at this point. Nothing that goes on in Monteis sur Monteis matters to me.

Like... "Monteis" doesn't really even look French. How would you pronounce that? "Mon-teese?" Not French. "Mon-tie?" That's kinda German. Damn you, John Gay! You have vexed me. I'm vexed. Terribly vexed. Lucilla.

Again, moving on. Deep breaths.

Police Station. Some guy drags in a creepy chick wearing a neat Gollum costume, and says she… hit… a gentleman… Oh Good Lord, that's Fantine. Good Lord. Who told these filmmakers Fantine was a creepy red-haired wraith? Huh? When I meet Victor Hugo in the afterlife, I'm telling on John Gay. He is in SO much trouble. Ugh. Whatever. Valjean comes in and saves the day even though Fantine insults him yadda blahdeblah Javert's eyebrows disapprove.

When Valjean talks, only his mouth moves, like an anime. It's weird. And also bad acting. Maybe he got botox injected into his forehead right before the shoot? Wait, _was_ there botox in 1978?

Valjean gives Gollum some money and she leaves.

She leaves?

Huh.

A Runaway Cart. A man is being squooshed. The mayor comes up and gets him out while Javert looks on. Oh, and Madeleine's face while he's lifting the cart? Looks like he's straining on the toilet. And you can tell Javert's getting totally turned on by it. The two exchange an awkward glance. Madeleine then instructs some lackeys to take the man, Fauchelevant (yay!), to his carriage, which clearly makes Javert very jealous.

Paris. Javert denounces Madeleine to a guy with a funny mustache. Then again, this movie came out in the late seventies; lots of people had funny mustaches then.

Monteis sur WTF. Fantine is failing at begging, so she goes to hang with Madeleine. Madeleine, meanwhile, is making tea. Jolly good! Anyway, Fantine comes in and faints and stuff, and o woe the life of a critter unfairly forced into prost— WAIT. _How_ did she pronounce Thénardier? Did I hear a "thin" at the beginning of that? Are you kidding me? Are these people retarded?

John Gay, I'm coming for you. You better frikkin lock your doors at night.

Room. Fantine is sick and stuff.

'Nother Room. Javert is sorry he said all those mean things about Madeleine, and would like to be… punished.

_And if you feel… like I feel, baby…_

Oh, slashiness.

If you're a Valjean/Javert shipper? I recommend this particular LM adaptation.

If you're an accuracy shipper? 1957 for you.

Courtroom. Madeleine wears a splendid hat. Champmathieu is called "LeBec," and he's a wheelwright. His father was a wheelwright, and YOU CAN'T LET BABIES STARVE! Madeleine does the look-at-me-you-three-I-can-tell-you-the-deep-dark-secrets-of-your-tattoos shtick, and makes a speech about how you shouldn't pity him. It's a Book-ish scene, and I give it a thumbs-up. Other than that whole… LeBec… thing…

Room. Gollum is asking to see Cosette and snuffling a lot like a hyperactive cocker spaniel puppy. Then! Javert comes in. This scene is up on youtube (not on my account, though), and I recommend you watch it just for the lulz. Javert says every line in this really amazing sing-song that's actually worse than that one Charles Laughton scene where he's talking to Marius and… you know. Anyway, Gollum dies in a crescendo of hilarity, and I giggle. Actually awesome moment, though? Just after Gollum dies, Valjean wrenches Javert's hand off of his wrist, and Javert gets this really great look on his face, like, "Too… awesome… to… show… pain!" Anyway, Valjean promises Gollum's corpse that he'll take care of her child, and then goes with Javert. They sit in a carriage together. Awkwardly. If you look really closesly at Javert's face you can tell he's trying to get up the nerve to say something to his long-lost (and now refound!) "prisoner." But he takes too long, and as the cart is crossing a bridge, Valjean suddenly RUNS AWAY! And does a swan-dive off the bridge! And escapes! Into water! Again! Oh noes!

Javert's heart, it is broken for the second time!

Monteis sur WTF. Madeleine (which is being pronounced Mad-eh-lean) arrives back at the Mayor House and refuses to tell Simplice where he's going so she won't tell them where he's going and no one will ever know where he's going. And then… the house is surrounded by cops! Valjean hides, and Simplice OMG LIES and says he's not there.

...Would you believe that I think this is practically the saddest part of the whole Book? I mean, really! Valjean comes out (of the closet, no lie), and she goes, "I've lied!" and it's the saddest thing I've ever seen in any of these movies! (And… I've seen TEN LM movies. TEN.)

Thin-are-dee-eh Inn. They send a baby Cosette with a Sue voice out to get some water, which saddens her. Valjean enters.

NO WELL SCENE? GOOD GOD!

Oh, John Gay. I looked him up in imdb, and I think he's still alive. He was still writing as recently as 1999, too... He was born in California. Wonder how many John Gays are in the Whittier, CA phonebook...? Course, he's 84 years old now...

...which means I could take him.

Loony's mental rant is interrupted when, while Valjean asks Madame to take Cosette away,_ Bilbo_ comes in.

Bilbo?

Bilbo!

Anyway, it turns out Bilbo is Thin-are-dee-eh, and he demands some money from Valjean in return for the child. You know how it goes. As he's leaving, Valjean says, "And we will NEVER meet again," which I think is his way of terrifying everyone who's read the Book. You won't? Really? Not even in Paris 1832? Are you sure? But… but… Oh well. Bilbo curses himself for not asking for even more money while Valjean gives Cosette a doll.

Paris. Javert exposits to that funny mustache man that he WILL find Valjean, and that's why HE IS NOW IN PARIS.

A Street. Valjean is also in Paris. He teaches little Cosette not to open the door and how to read. Ugh her voice is so squeaky. I want to punch her in the face.

Is that a negative way to feel about a child?

In Front of a Map. Javert tells a guy to go look for Valjean in a place.

A Place. Cops tell Maybe Ma'am Bougon to keep an eye out for Valjean, so Valjean grabs Cosette and they GTFO. Bougon stops him on the way out to ask where he's off to, and Valjean does a crappy job of lying again. I think he's quite possibly the worst convict ever. But he was also the worst thief ever, so at least he's consistent. Then Maybe Ma'am Bougon goes running to the police, and they take off in pursuit! Hurray, a chase scene! Good stuff.

Except… Valjean is just sort of strolling along… until a carriage pulls up and Javert gets out. That means things are getting srs bsns. Valjean throws Cosette over his shoulder and… jogs along. The kid looks totally clueless. Is there a good movie Young Cosette somewhere? Anywhere?

Valjean comes to a wall. He climbs up and hoists Cosette after via rope.

Okay, Cosette has bangs. Who took the time to trim her out bangs? Huh? How did that kid get such orderly hair? And why is her face so pudgy? I disapprove.

Anyway, longest climbing-of-the-wall scene ever.

The cops finally arrive, and Javert says 24601 couldn't have climbed the wall because he had Cosette, you stupid underlings! Meanwhile, Valjean is climbing back down the other side of the wall. He grabs Cosette under one arm and the rope under the other, and the three of them hide out in a woodshed.

Back in the alley, Javert is pouting very much.

Behind the wall, at night, Valjean hears a guy chopping wood and runs up to ask him for help… happily, said guy is Fauchelevant, which is quite possibly the only name they've pronounced correctly thus far. Fauchelevant says Book-ish things about Valjean falling out of the sky and he's a man so he would never have been allowed in. They decide to tell the Mother than Valjean is his brother, and the two of them will play house.

Hey! Hey, remember that awesome awesomeness scene in the Book? Where Valjean was being carried around in a coffin? And Fauchelevant stole that thing from that guy and then he thought Valjean was dead? If Simplice's lie is the saddest part of the Book, then I nominate the great graveyard escape for awesomest.

Oh. And if you're wondering? No. No, the graveyard escape is not in this film.

Talking To The Mother. She asks Valjean a bunch of questions, and Fauchelevant answers for him on every count, which is exciting to me (although plenty of movies have used this scene). She even says, "He answers well," which made Loony squee (once again... not so rare that movies include this scene, but at this point I'm squeeing over everything.). The nuns take Cosette away, but the little girl has no facial expression whatsoever, so the scene where she parts from Valjean is completely useless. Ugh, stupid kid! But Valjean sheds a tear.

Speaking of tears, here's Javert! He's speaking to that mustache guy again, and Mustache tells him to go to Le Biuse or something, and Javert argues because he doesn't want to stop looking for his beloved Valjean! Mustache tells him to STFU, and Javert turns to leave, but stops to make a Sacred Promise that he will spend the rest of his life looking for Valjean. Then he dramatically walks off into the sunset.

Aaaave Mariiiiiiaaaa!

Right? From the '35 film?

Anyway, that was my idea. But I guess not.

Tune in next time for the long-awaited arrival of the GEICO caveman! And the creepiest Gavroche there IS. And, you know, Javert falling down and other such stuff. Get pumped.


End file.
